My Bad…

26 Oct

We all judge. We judge books by their cover, people by the rumors we hear and we judge the happiness of others. We actually judge other people’s happiness. Is it jealousy? Is it insecurity? A combination of both? Or are we generally built with a lack of faith. Faith in the truth. Faith in the good of others, in the genuine. When things aren’t going our way, how do we view the successes of others? It’s important to remember that we are human and we have flaws. Any starving actor can’t stand in front of me and say, with 100% honesty: “I am so happy that you booked that Oliver Stone movie.” A couple struggling to conceive a child of their own can’t look at their pregnant friend and feel pure, unadulterated joy. And a single woman, with a string of highly disappointing romantic encounters over the last decade, can’t look at couple displaying PDA with out a slight glare.

“It’s very weird now not feeling that stupid panic feeling inside me all the time.
Without that, I just start thinking about myself, and what good does that ever get anybody?
Today, on the bus, there was this adorable couple, and I felt myself giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea everything was .
.. moving in the wrong direction.

This quote is from the movie AS GOOD AS IT GETS. It’s not just the quote that secured the Oscar win for Helen Hunt, but it speaks so true to those of us out there who want to be the kind of person who looks at happiness and is filled with reflective happiness.  Not someone who takes all of what I call “personal unlucky history” and uses it to battle feelings of untainted love and support for others.

Today I am happy. Yesterday I was not happy. Today I’ve learned that tomorrow I may be unhappy again and I shouldn’t take that out on anyone.  We design a… design in our minds about how things should go to ensure the utmost success. For us? For others? Who’s to say what the right speed is for everyone? The right choice? The right plan? I’ve watched relationships crumble all around me and I’ve watched the exceptions. So why do I hold on to those negatives and use it to define my caution?


“We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic.
Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.”

This quote is from the movie HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This movie may or may not have ruined my life for the last 7 years. This is NOT a great movie, however there are a small handful of quotes and scenarios that I chose to live my life by after I saw this film in 2009. Love is chaotic. It’s all fucking over the place. When you’re in and out of love and trust, you feel unhinged and this film provided me with guidelines at a time when I was starving for answers. I grabbed the “Message” of this film (Which is still un clear to this day) and I decided to apply it to how I approach and analyze my love life.

Years ago, a friend of mine started fooling around with her boss. They had a secret relationship for a while for personal and professional reasons and it had “disaster” written all over it. They broke up a bunch of times, she was heartbroken a bunch of times and kept on fighting for him and what they had only to give up several times out of exhaustion and a fierce sense of defeat. Last week, they were married. They are happy and healthy and #winning.

This story is the exception to the rule. I was told that the rule is: Don’t set yourself up to fail by wishing upon yourself the success of the diamonds in the rough. That story above? That’s a diamond in the rough. If you think that this could happen to you, you’re just going to be immensely disappointed. If you prepare yourself for failure, the fall won’t hurt as bad.

I spent 7 years reminding myself that I am NOT the exception in order to prepare myself for the inevitable idea that, sometimes people just don’t meet their person. Sometimes they are alone. And that’s okay. That has to be okay or your heart won’t survive your life. (Now looking back at it, it’s like I refused to process the message of this film’s ending. Whatever. working through the meaning of this shitty movie is not the point of this blog.) It made me bitter. It made me distrust any potential. It made me celebrate red flags as an excuse for an exit and it confirmed negative thoughts I consistently had about my romantic life. I wouldn’t take chances or risks because I was comfortable with the notion that I was the rule. It wasn’t going to be some great plot to the romantic comedy of my dreams. With disappointment after disappointment, how could you possibly think anything else.

Then you meet someone 7 years later at a point where you’re so fucking exhausted of being you. Of the negativity you release into the universe at each moment of being interested in another human being and then with out any reasoning behind it… you throw caution to the wind. You see the red flags and you hear about them from others, you could never erase the doubt that forms 76% of who you are, yet you say “Alright. Fuck it. I’m all in.” Because there’s this voice inside of your head and heart that’s saying something positive in a time of darkness and you just can’t ignore it. it gives you breath. It gives you life. Chaos. Love is chaotic.  But it exists. As does hope. And as long as you’re someone who believes in both those things, just in general… you’ll never truly be able to run away from it. And that’s what makes you the exception to your rule.

So… my bad to all those I judged. I am you. We all are you.


2 Responses to “My Bad…”

  1. Eddie 2016 at : #

    Cool piece. The film “Hello, Ladies,” is about as close a film will ever get to nailing the reality that is love. Check it out!

  2. Eileen Thompson 2016 at : #

    Very good. Liked this much. Me

    Sent from my iPhone


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