3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me

4 Aug


I’ve been feeling pretty bi-polar lately, but not by choice. This isn’t a messed up chemical imbalance. This is more of how events have been happening around me. I go from being depressed to hopeful to remnants of happiness to boredom to anxiousness to anger. One minute I’m crying my eyes out from being with out people, things and ideas that were such a huge part of my life and getting angry at the reasons why. And the next moment I’m cracking up at a Boy Meets World episode. I find myself distrusting more people in my life these days than ever before.  I find myself bored or anxious and exhausted. Recently I had an incredible job interview at a place my foot has only dreamed of getting in the door of. This fills me with hope, which in turn fills me with more anxiousness because I have no idea when I’m going to hear about it or even IF i’m going to hear about it. I’m tired of rejection. Not just from the job front but from my friends and family. It seems I’m just constantly shoved in the face of a ghost. The ghost of relationships past. It also seems that people in my immediate life seem to be happy I’m around NOW, in the moment, but don’t have much of an investment in me past casting them in a role they want or providing a play ground for their art. I barely eat these days and I sleep about 3-4 hours a night with thoughts swimming around in my head.

“I wonder how my sister is” “I hope my nieces are okay” “ I have to see him again on Tuesday, I hope I continue to feel empty about it all” “I miss my dog” “I miss my family” “I haven’t been to LA in a while, I miss them”  “I have a crush on him… well that’s just f*ckin’ great” “I need that f*cking root canal.” “I can’t keep having this same fight over and over” “I wonder if I’ll get the job” “Why is he mad at me?“ “What if my unemployment runs out” “I haven’t talked to this person or this person in a while… I have to check in and see how they’re doing” “I have 12 dollars in my bank account” “What if the musical never goes anywhere” “What if anything I write never goes anywhere”  “I wonder if he has any feelings for me at all” “Another wedding I can’t afford to attend, yet I must” “I wonder if I’ll have a place to live in December” “Wow, my AMEX debt is high” “Wow, my credit is shit” “Man I hate my ex brother in law” “I can’t believe they think this about me”

Sometimes I think about just disappearing. I know we all do. I know we have this fantasy. I’ve just wanted it more these days then ever before.


2 Responses to “3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me”

  1. financialwoe 2012 at : #

    I can relate and feel your pain…that is why I created my blog …check it out it may lighten the mood a bit http://financialwoe.wordpress.com/

  2. Eddie 2012 at : #

    I can help you answer ONE of those questions. Yes, Pam, I have an immense crush on you.

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