6 May

She slept beside him and he watched her as he did every morning before she stirred awake. He loved and hated this time in equal measure cause as he looked at her face, he enjoyed its sweetness but frowned at the thoughts that came into his mind. She had been distant towards him. He didn’t want to think of her as a tally on the wall, but it was becoming increasingly difficult not to as she pulled farther and farther away. He was thankful she was doing so as it was a reminder. A reminder of a truth she had been aiding him in forgetting.

He wanted to turn back time. He wanted to turn back time to when he was 21 and believed anything was possible. Before the “learn the hard ways” began. He wanted to stop learning things all together because it seemed that “the hard way” was the only way. What looked good, what felt amazing, what smelled incredible, what had all his senses begging him to throw away the book on what had once disappointed him turned out to be… another lesson. Not like the others, mind you. Something different. It hurt differently and was taking the role of KING OF EXHAUSTION because he thought he had paid his dues. The fact of the matter was, his dues were what made everything so exhausting to him. Perhaps he was being un fair, but you know what, life was un fair. These things from his past that etched away at his mind and caused the greatest of insecurities, the greatest of doubts, the greatest of roadblocks for actually being happy were all he knew. Then that shadow walked in. The shadow that reminded him that he was foolish to believe that you could get everything you had always wanted. This shadow would appear sporadically and taunt at his chest and say to him through its darkness “You wanted once and now you attempt to chase that high. You didn’t have it then and you thought you might. What makes you think you’ll have it now? You are my example. You are my rule. Shame on you for believing you had been through enough to be the exception.” From his many life lessons, ‘all good things must come to an end’ was the most potent. It would have been smarter for him to have kept his bachelor pad. That was a new lesson he wished that he never would have had to learn.



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