MY MOM GOT REMARRIED…

29 May

And here’s what it was like…

Cast:

Pam – me, the youngest daughter (single) – Giving the Bride away
Jenn – Eldest daughter, sister (married twice) – Maid of Honor
Groom – An innocent man having to accept my sister and I.
Bride – Our Mother
Aunt – Our mother’s sister in law.
Passerby – An innocent bystander just trying to enjoy the San Antonio River Walk.
Guest – An innocent guest at the wedding.
Waitress – An innocent waitress at a restaurant on the San Antonio River Walk
Pastor – Old, old man of God.

The play begins…
Passerby: Are you getting married?
Pam: No…No.. Nope not me. (They start to walk away uncomfortable) No… No. No.

Pam: Mom, should I wear this ribbon tomorrow?
Bride: As long as it doesn’t upstage me.

Bride to Jenn: Please make sure you let pam in your room, or we have to deal with her.

Groom: Pam… Your hair… Is that an accident?

Guest: Where’s your date?
Pam: He couldn’t make it, he’s opening a new branch of the… Bank… He invented… This weekend.

Bride (as I’m walking her down the rehearsal aisle) : This is like directing Twelfth Night.

Pastor: Do y’all have any questions?
Jenn: This isn’t my first rodeo

Pam: Jenn, all your weddings looked beautiful.
Jenn: Thanks, Pam!

During rehearsal…

Pastor (To Pam):Please make sure you’re standing right there… not there …when I ask “Who gives this woman…” you can say either “I do” or “My sister and I” or “Our family does”…
Pam: Can I give her a little shove?
Jenn (To Pam): A little smack on the ass.
(NOTE: The Pastor forgot to  ask “Who gives this woman” So I stood in the correct spot for an awkwardly long period of time.)

Groom’s brother: (filming groom and bride) This is how it started. (Films Jenn and I) and this is how it ended.
Pam: that’s actually not the… Uh… The correct series of events.
 My sister is walking through the halls of the hotel and is all dressed for the wedding.
Groom (to Jenn) : Oh, are you just coming from the pool?
Jenn: (beat) No.

Aunt: Pam, are you dating anyone special?
Pam: Lots of the Un special
Aunt: You’ll let us know, won’t u?
Pam: Oh, there’ll be a news letter. “She finally got one”

Waitress: Sam Adams?
Pam: (shouting) that’s mine! (Still shouting) Sorry I shouted that.

Last thing Mom heard before she walked down the aisle:

Pam: Remember that Exit57 sketch where Amy Sedaris gets hit on at a bar and she turns around to him and she’s pregnant. He’s totally thrown off. She says, “wanna feel my baby”, he puts his hand out to feel her stomach and she says “no… I mean through my vagina”
Bride: Gross! You really are the bad seed. Jenn, when are u gonna take off ur towel and put ur dress on?
Jenn: Fuck you.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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3 Responses to “MY MOM GOT REMARRIED…”

  1. Chris 2011 at : #

    Haha this is really funny. I’m going to start reading this blog all the time.

  2. Lis 2011 at : #

    You’re amazing and I love you…ALL of you! ❤

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