20 Mar

Does the “movie kind of love” that most 20-something and 30-something women hold as an idealistic goal exist? I come from a family of people who LOVE gettin’ married. 2nd marriages and possible 3rd marriages for all!  Now, I believe each time one of my family members got married they believed themselves to be in love…. but then what? How can you commit yourself to ONE person for the rest of your life? Sure you love them NOW… but what happens if down the line you either…

  1. Wake up and realize that you’re exhausted, bored and faking it.
  2. Wake up and wonder how much sex and connections with so many incredible people you missed cause you were in love with this person for a while back in the day…
  3. THEY wake up and wonder the first two…

But none of that could ever happen to you guys, right? Because you’re so “perfect” for each other. And this is the person you’re supposed to be with for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. You just know. Even writing this, my palms are starting to sweat and I fear a hive break out around the bend. Most of my frustrations and questions regarding the find of love, have to do with just being incredibly jealous of those who believe they have. I’ve certainly loved and it burned me, as it burns most. But I’ve never been “in love”. I’ve been told, by the one I loved, that when it happens… you just “get it”. My friends told me:

  • Stop looking and it will come to you
  • Put an effort in, you’ll never find love sitting home revising a script on a Saturday night
  • When it happens, it’ll just happen…

Fuck that! Lol… I tried all three and I tell ya what… it doesn’t happen. Clearly it does, for OTHER PEOPLE! I know so many single women who are behind me on this. I date more than anyone I know and I am exhausted. What am I looking for? It’s so simple really, when I break it down. Someone I’m attracted to who makes me laugh, whom I find talented, who I can have a conversation with, who shares similar interests. Someone who will just show up outside of my apartment to spend time with me, someone who I can’t wait to get a text from or wake up next to every day. Most women want that, I believe. So how come some women are allowed to experience that and some aren’t? Is the ole standby break up line “It’s not you, it’s me” true? Sometimes I just believe that I am to accept the fate of dating a lot of people who I don’t feel a certain spark with, fall for men I can’t have and continue to write about relationships that happen to OTHER PEOPLE. (noted, I am only 26… but I said this all verbatim when I was 18 and will continue to say it 8 years from now as well. Gentlemen, place your bets…)

Another fear I have is the children factor. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you experience that “movie kind of love” with someone. Everything’s perfect, you’re the happiest with him that you’ve ever been. You talk about children and the future and decide to get married. Brilliant. All of a sudden, your partner turns to you and says that they’re not sure they want children anymore. Then what? What if that’s something you’ve always wanted. Or on the other side, you may never have wanted children to begin with and then all of a sudden this perfect mate decides that their life would feel incomplete without offspring. Then what? Do you give up the relationship? The perfect love you’ve been searching for your whole life? The children factor is something you can’t exactly agree to disagree about. So you have kids you never wanted for them? Or you miss out on the experience of being a parent for them? People change their minds every day and I feel like you’d be naive to believe 100% that THIS is what they want, or even that THIS is what you want… or don’t want.

Okay, forget the kids… let’s go back to that terrifying “L” word. I believe that you can fall in love in a way that makes you feel like you’re in the movies. Just because I’ve never experienced that, doesn’t mean I don’t believe it exists. I’ve seen it happen to other people. But is it okay to keep searching for that? To hold such high standards on the ideas of LOVE? or is that ridiculous? But then, the “standards too low” flip side? What if I decide that it’s silly to continue searching for a Movie- kind of love and I lower my starry eyed standards a bit… then I settle? I tie myself to the guy who loves me so much and while I love and care about him… he’s not exactly the PERFECT guy I had always thought I would end up with. That’s got to be the worst WAKE UP call. What happens if in several years when you think you’ve married “The one” or “the one who’s the best of whom you’ve dated”,  you meet someone who clicks something inside of you that you never thought was possible. You meet someone and you “get it”. That thing everyone told you existed but you gave it up because you thought it was too naive. Then what? Then you cheat? You break this poor guy’s heart to be with the NEW guy? But old guy loved you and you loved him. but this new guy… this new guy is what you thought never existed and BAM it does. Now what do you do? You’ve made a commitment. It’s done. It’s in the bag. You owe the first guy THIS…. so now you’ll just spend the rest of your life with him wondering what could have happened with “Mr. Sparked something inside of me.”

I’m tired of dating, yes… am I ready to run off and get married… no. But I think that part of me will never die. The part that always searches for that movie kind of love while wrapped up in the feared “What if’s” of it all. But isn’t that the case with most single 20-something/ 30-something women?


3 Responses to “FINDING LOVE”

  1. Chris DeChirico 2011 at : #

    I really enjoyed this one, Pam. Keep up the good work!

  2. Eddie 2011 at : #

    Finding your “soul mate” is a great concept, but it may come down to basic math and probability. In a world of so many billion people, it’s a bit silly to believe that your soul mate lives in a 10 mile radius. I’ve also experienced intense love before, twice, I think. So it does exist. However, does it last? Very rarely. I went on a date last night and it was perfect in every way. We clicked on levels that I did not know existed. However, I’ve been there before and it never lasts. What I’m trying to say, Pam, is that I am just as confused and exhausted as you are!

  3. Rachel Haynes 2011 at : #

    Sigh. As an old lady I do have the answers to a few of those questions, despite being single at the moment. But the fact is, I don’t know anyone who has gone through their whole life without being madly in love with someone (who also loved them back). Try, don’t try; date like crazy or don’t, it’ll happen. And bear in mind NYC and LA are harder places to date than anywhere else in the country. Still, it’s not an island of only single people. And spring/summer seems to be when most people get together…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: