“Job Interview” (based on a true story)

18 Feb


(Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. But this is, in fact, based on actual events.)

My name is Penny and I worked at White Star Line for about 3 1/2 years. It is part of a Titanic themed restaurant chain in New York City. There are three locations:

1. Steerage – A bar and grille located in So-ho. Menu: pub food; Attire: Casual.

2. Heart of the Ocean – A Seafood joint down on South Street Sea Port. Menu: Mediterranean; Attire: Smart Casual

3. White Star Line – A classy, table clothed, “ladies who lunch” restaurant on the upper east side of Manhattan.

I began my Titanic employ at the second of the locations, Heart of The Ocean. I had gone through my uncle’s inheritance and needed a job quickly. My bank account had lost several figures and my liver had lost it’s color, it’s sparkle and some of it’s hopes and dreams.

I was searching high and low for a job. From Chelsea all the way to Union Square. A friend of a friend “hooked” me up with a job interview for a local brasier store. Sure, I had no problem cupping the breasts of women and telling them that they’ve been wearing the wrong bra size for years. I fooled around with chicks in college! I met the assistant manager for popcorn shrimp at Heart of the Ocean. I remember thinking, wow… who knew there was a Titanic themed restaurant in NYC.

“Yeah. There are two locations, actually.” Assistant bra Goddess stated. At that moment I was so curious about how she had been inside my head just then. Knew exactly what I was thinking. She continued, “Steerage is the bar me and my fiance met at, actually.” Now I was pissed. Not only was this 34B throwing me off with her telekinetic powers, but now she was rubbing her Cupid Struck Ass in my single, going to die alone face. “So, Penny… do you have any sales experience?”

I didn’t. “Well… I sold my soul to the Flanders devil for a delicious donut.” Nothing. She looked at me curiously. “You don’t watch The Simpsons, do you?” Her curiosity turned into a forced laugh. This interview had gone from first class to coach rather quickly. Did I want to sell bras and underwear that badly? Yes, I did. And you wanna know why? Cause finding a woman with DDD sized breasts was on my bucket list. Why? Cause it’s not. That is a lie. I wanted the 10% employee discount on the merchandise. Bra’s are expensive and good bras, believe it or not, are more expensive then regularly priced average boobware.

The interview ended and we said our goodbyes. I remember thinking, I wonder what color her bra is. I think that about nuns too. Probably white. It’d be pretty cool if it were like a green. A sea green…

…Just so we’re clear, I don’t spend the majority of my time thinking about bras. I spend the majority of my time thinking about sex. With men. One at a time.

So the interview ended and I passed a bald Heart of the Ocean manager on my way out. I remember wondering if they were hiring. I liked the feel of the place, the employees looked happy enough and they were playing Beatles… which I thought was a little strange being a Titanic themed place… but to each their own.

“We are hiring, actually. Do you have a couple of minutes?” The bald manager asked. He too could read minds. I gasped, looked him up and down and wondered how much time this stranger could spend inside my mind if he wanted to. Perhaps he knew too much. What if that’s what fucked my interview with the bra lady earlier. What if, while inside my brain, she had discovered that I sometimes, for fun, scream “MY BABY!” as subway doors are closing just to see the people on the train freak out. Who’s gonna hire that?

I trick the bald fortune teller and force my brain to think of the movie Sophie’s Choice just to throw him off. My heart began to hurt and my nose started to tingle, so I changed the movie to Drop Dead Fred for fear of an emotional break down during the interview. (From here on in, anything written in green will symbolize what my mind was trying to think of during the interview.)

“Yes. I have a few minutes.” I respond. Woman married to an awful man who cheats on her, but she loves him anyway. “Thanks for making time for me.”

“Not a problem.” He responds. Woman separates from her terrible husband and stays with her coddling mother who keeps her daughter’s bedroom a pink, well kept, time capsule of a childhood room. “So you wouldn’t happen to have a resume on you, do you?”

“I do, actually. I was just on an interview here.” We chuckle, I hand him the resume. Before the woman prepares for sleep, she fishes through some of her old toys and things. She finds a Jack in the Box that has been sealed with tape. “I’ve been working in the restaurant business for years.” I point out.

He reads. “You certainly have.” Setting the Jack in the box aside, the woman turns off her light and attempts to sleep. “How long were you at the Pebble Lake Inn?” All of a sudden, the handle on the Jack in the Box starts moving on its own. The woman awakes to the music.

“Since I was 16. During the summers, mostly.” She turns on her light as the Jack in the Box is going faster and faster. As the light goes on the (JITB) stops immediately. She’s curious and a little nervous. She decides to undo the tape. “Worked as a hostess and a buss girl.” Out pops the green and orange Jack and it rolls under the bed, WTF, the woman thinks. “I was going to start training as a server, but I ended up moving to the city.”

“Where have you been working since Pebble Lake?”

God, Here we go. What do I say? Oh, I was living off my dead uncle’s money. You know… eating out a lot, closing bars, drinking till I couldn’t feel shame anymore. Seeing the revival of Sweeney Todd far too many times.

“I took some time off to adjust to the city. I had saved quite a bit.” So I lied.

The woman looks under the bed to try to find the escaped toy. As she flips around to the other side, she hears a scream…. “BOO!”… She screams…

“Well, Penny. You certainly have the experience. I’ll start you off as a hostess and you can train for other positions later down the line if you want.”

“I got the job?!” I ask with excitement.

“Yeah. I’ll email you a schedule tomorrow.” He stood and I followed, but I stuck my hand out cause I felt it was awkward to have copied his move so quickly. He stared at my hand and for a moment I feared that he may be Orthodox Jewish and could not shake my hand. I peered my eyes to the back of his gigantic, shiny head. No yarmulke. He decided to shake my hand. “Good to meet you.”

“Good to meet YOU. Thanks you.” And I left with my future income in place. I received a phone call later that night and had also been offered the bra store job. I was on a roll. What job couldn’t I get? I thought about walking into an open call for a Broadway show. Why the fuck not, right? I didn’t though. I didn’t really have a song prepared

It was on my subway ride to my first day of work at both jobs that I realized I had actually said those comments about the Titanic city locations and the wonder of Heart of the Ocean’s job availability out loud! They hadn’t heard my thoughts after all. Silly, Penny. Oh how I laughed.

For Further Plot Of Drop Dead Fred, Please Add It To Your Netflix Queue.


One Response to ““Job Interview” (based on a true story)”

  1. kimberly 2011 at : #

    your good

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